Aunties and Uncles

Nowadays it is thought polite to address older people as ‘auntie’ or ‘uncle’. But Eurasians in the old fashioned would follow British upper class manners. One way to tell if someone was “brought up differently” – less well bred – would be to note whether older folk were addressed as ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’ when they were not related by blood. The use of this charming Asian habit, which drew the stranger into the ‘family’, coldly indicated a lack of breeding!

Ever practical and polite, the Eurasian would use ‘aunty’ and ‘uncle’ where it was expected, keeping in mind that in other cultures it is expected. For example, the Malays use ‘mak cik’(aunty) and ‘pak cik’(uncle) in politely address.

Anyone outside the immediate Eurasian family who was so addressed would only be someone who had close ties to the family going back many years. Or it might be someone who is very distantly related, perhaps by being a close relative of someone married into the family. And why was this distinction so carefully drawn?

Since the rule was drawn from the British, the roots are in family alliances and holding money. An interesting comparison can be drawn to the Indian custom of arranged marriages, when the health and inherited traits of the potential bride or groom might be predicted by what the family was like. Similarly, it was thought that breeding would show in the manners of the person. This was an indication of whether the person would make good marriage material with shared values and aspirations. Perhaps this might have been true fifty years ago in Singapore, when people were less mobile and good education was only for the lucky few.

Funny thing about people: we like to be with other people who are like us. And what we think we are like may not be how others see us. Some people hope that being with people who are wealthier or smarter will allow some of that desired quality to rub off. So one way to keep out the others from intruding on your territory is to note how they behave. But the use of ‘aunty’ and ‘uncle’ as a test – did this work?

Depends. If you were looking for signs of someone who was polite to older people and probably kindly disposed towards them … yes, it was nice to see a young person speaking politely. But it was unerring that those who did not know this particular rule, good hearted as they might have been, would not have been raised among the Eurasians who did.

Did it matter then? Yes, very much so. But nowadays it is a quaintly old fashioned rule mostly honoured in its breach.

A uniquely Eurasian rule of etiquette, because in Britain the honorific was Aunt Mildred not Aunty Mildred. In India it would have been Mildred Aunty. For Singapore today, the uncle driving the taxi and the cleaning lady auntie and most older people are addressed in this warm and inclusive way.